Your ever-humble narrator, paragon of perfection and your general better, Dane Barbados Jr. is convinced that "Olympus Has Fallen" began life at some stage as an animated feature.
Everything about it is as cartoony and cliched and over-the-top as your Nicki Minaj's wardrobe of Madonna and Lady Gaga castoffs. It beggars belief that this was brought to us by the same director that bestowed the mellow and understated "Training Day" upon the world.
With a plot as gossamer-thin as the brassiere that is barely covering the cupped and heaving bosom of Dane Barbados Jr.'s favorite, red haired concubine and as wildly implausible as some of that same concubine's more esoteric and valuable bedroom skill sets, one is unsure if it's even worth the effort to sum it up. Be thankful for the tokens that Dane Barbados Jr. provides for you, however small, for you are worth not even then.
An opening Christmas scene at the Camp David presidential retreat sets the stage for the mediocrity what will shortly unfold. We are introduced to former US Army Ranger and head Secret Service agent with the old school pulp hero name of Mike Banning played as absolutely deadpan as possible by a steely-eyed Gerard Butler having a friendly sparring round with President Benjamin Asher played by Aaron Eckhart with none of his usual charisma, an opening scene that created uncomfortable memories within your humble narrator of a similar opening between John Travolta and Christian Slater in John Woo's "Broken Arrow." Surely this was unintentional.
We also meet the the first lady in a barely there performance by Ashley Judd, who at one point could consistently land paying acting jobs. We also get to meet bog-standard precocious kid played by some middling child actor whose name is beneath Dane Barbados Jr.'s notice. As they bafflingly decide to go into the city during a driving blizzard we get to meet the unsung hero and real star of "Olympus Has Fallen"...the ridiculous CGI effects.
When Dane Barbados Jr. first sojourned from his distant native lands and graced your United States of America with his presence two computer animated television shows were on the air; "Transformers: Beast Wars" and "Reboot." In 1996. That's about sums up the level of quality you're looking at here. If you've played the original Resident Evil then you've got an idea what to expect. The high school student with some spare time level digital effects elicited more laughs from your humble narrator than any other aspect of the movie. Cartoonishly CGI'd shots of helicopters, vehicles, explosions and weapon turrets would look not out of place in one of the better Asylum films, perhaps a notch or two below what was featured in "Sharknado." It truly is a sight to behold.
The overwrought sense of patriotism is beyond even Michael Baysian proportions. Lingering shots of the American flag, in various states, are without counting. A beaten Secretary of Defense reciting your pledge of allegiance whilst being dragged by her hair to her doom was a particular example that created groans and laughs in equal supply.
Things happened in the plot with supposed surprise mysteries and betrayals being immediately telegraphed by actor choices. Rick Yune is there, as is Dylan McDermott? The chances of them eventually being revealed as villains is at approximate odds as the chance that Dane Barbados Jr. will shortly sip champagne from the small of the back of a glistening, nubile, ebony goddess, approaching 100%. Cole Hauser is there? One should not place bets upon him living to see the closing credits.
And the grand scheme, oh faithful readers, the grand scheme of the villains is so ludicrous its impossibility showcased by even the most cursory of college dropout Wikipedia research that it could only exist within the bounds of the fanciful, reality defying, worlds of cartoons or videogames. The fact that the grand scheme is so patently, ridiculously, impossible after the meticulous nature of the White House takeover (the titular Olympus falling), makes one have serious doubts as to the overall intelligence of the *ahem* masterminds behind it.
The writing also betrays either the film's true origins or the abject ineptitude of the screenwriters gracing us with such memorable one-liners as "Let's have a game of 'fuck off.' You go first." and "My advice - save the last bullet for yourself. Because if you don't, I'm gonna stick my knife through your brain." delivered in a seething, monotone, growl by Butler.
And for those who live in your District of Columbia, tapped into the power of the country's governmental infrastructure such as Dane Barbados Jr. you will truly get a laugh out of the woefully inaccurate layout of the area surrounding the giant, stone, phallus of the Washington monument, the White House and reflecting pool. The completely CGI'd layout mind you. The completely CGI'd layout that could be easily researched on Google Maps. Such is the laziness of which we speak dear reader.
Dane Barbados Jr. would truly like to recommend this film as it has a host of actors whom have proven worthy over the years; Robert Forester, Ashley Judd, Aaron Eckhart, Rick Yune, Dylan McDermott, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett, Rahda Mitchell and Melissa Leo but alas he truly cannot as "Olympus Has Fallen" is a terrible piece of shit.
If you want to watch a movie that evokes cartoon or videogame levels of violence and ridiculousness watch "Crank."If you want to watch an action packed film with proper one liners and actors who can lend personality to the stoic hero archetype watch "Die Hard" or even better watch "The Last Boyscout" truly nearly any action movie from the mid-90's would yield more entertainment.
...Except for perhaps "Hudson Hawk." But Dane Barbados Jr. would even rather watch that.
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