One Man Reviews Agents of SHIELD

Would it surprise you, faithful reader, that paragon amongst men, he who your girlfriend covets, Dane Barbados Jr. Is a fan of your American comic books?  It shouldn't.  Comics are the only place your always humble narrator can find titanic figures who even come close to his own colossal stature and daring deeds.  As such Dane Barbados Jr., crusher of kidneys, looked forward to Agents of SHIELD with mild anticipation.  He was largely satisfied.

We begin the episode by being introduced classic spynanigans with Agent Grant Ward (played by an actor with an already implausibly secret agentish name of Bret Dalton) on an operation.  Here we get a feel for the brash, arrogant, no-nonsense way that Agent Ward approaches his work.  A complete cliche but a purposeful one we soon find as we find Agent Ward being debreifed by Agent Maria Hill (played by Cobie Smulders in a carryover from "The Avengers.")

Here Hill smashes Agent Ward's tiny little world quickly assessing that the clichéd methods of the past cease to be effective when faced with giant green monsters, rampaging aliens, thunder wielding literal Gods and possible resurrection as shown by returning Marvel movieverse mainstay Agent Phis Coulson crashing the debrief in an amusing scene that was too heavily spoiled in adverts. 

From there follows a typical "assembling the team" formula as we meet the stereotypical-yet-still-entertaining pair of labrats with the incredulous combination of names Fitz and Simmons (Iain De Caestecker and Elizabeth Henstridge respectively) who, though stereotypical, possess an easy and endearing chemistry that reaches even one such as I whom is usually only endeared by new applications of the Divine Kidney Punch and once cold vodka. Ming-Na Wen, last seen in the unfortunately cancelled "Stargate Universe" portrays storied Agent Melinda May ostensibly the team's transportation expert but played with a palpably understated sense of menace and danger that belies a dark past, which is realized in scene later in the pilot with the delivery of ass-kickery straight from the school of Barbados.  Lastly, of the main gang, we have the aforementioned Agent Coulson played with all the dry wit and easy likeability that Clark Greg brought to the Marvel films.

In the connected b-plot we have Whedon alum J. August Richards playing newly super-powered enhancile Mike and annoyingly twee hacker Skye (Chloe Bennet).  Although it is amusing to see Skye's "we are the all-knowing, smarter than you, anonymous hacker generation" schtick being immediately and easily subverted by Coulson and crew it doesn't take much convincing to get her to abandon her, presumably long-held anti-men in dark suits agenda to join the gang and August's Mike is a cipher with a well-trodden down and out unemployed single father backstory.  Little more than a plot divice used to introduce and plant seeds for some over-arching antagonist groups Centipede and the Rising Tide.

There were some flaws however.  Outside of a pervasive safe, "networky," feeling to the enterprise Skye presents a thoroughly exasperating figure overflowing with faux manic-pixie-dream-girl energy worthy of being battened about the head and shoulders. and the patently ridiculousness construction of the chosen mode of transport.

Outside of that there were some delightful in-jokes and references for the unwashed fandom including a mention of the Avengers' Black Widow, Natasha Romanov, a name check of "Journey into Mystery," Iron Man 3's (and Iron Man comics') extremis virus plays a part as well.  And then there were the hints to the nature of Coulson's return which might prove surprising for neophytes but will likely be woefully predictable to the comics fandom (hello Life Model Decoy). And who could forget a classic SHIELD flying car?

All in all Agents of SHIELD is not shit.  It's biggest negative is being hampered by being on network television but this is not something that the illustrious Dane Barbados Jr. cannot hold against it.

Dane Barnados Jr. gives partial approval to Agents of SHIELD.  It had a promising beginning and could be something truly great once it finds its footing.

One Man Reviews Olympus Has Fallen

Your ever-humble narrator, paragon of perfection and your general better, Dane Barbados Jr. is convinced that "Olympus Has Fallen" began life at some stage as an animated feature.

Everything about it is as cartoony and cliched and over-the-top as your Nicki Minaj's wardrobe of Madonna and Lady Gaga castoffs.  It beggars belief that this was brought to us by the same director that bestowed the mellow and understated "Training Day" upon the world.

With a plot as gossamer-thin as the brassiere that is barely covering the cupped and heaving bosom of Dane Barbados Jr.'s favorite, red haired concubine and as wildly implausible as some of that same concubine's more esoteric and valuable bedroom skill sets, one is unsure if it's even worth the effort to sum it up.   Be thankful for the tokens that Dane Barbados Jr. provides for you, however small, for you are worth not even then.

An opening Christmas scene at the Camp David presidential retreat sets the stage for the mediocrity what will shortly unfold.  We are introduced to former US Army Ranger and head Secret Service agent with the old school pulp hero name of Mike Banning played as absolutely deadpan as possible by a steely-eyed Gerard Butler having a friendly sparring round with President Benjamin Asher played by Aaron Eckhart with none of his usual charisma, an opening scene that created uncomfortable memories within your humble narrator of a similar opening between John Travolta and Christian Slater in John Woo's "Broken Arrow."  Surely this was unintentional.

We also meet the the first lady in a barely there performance by Ashley Judd, who at one point could consistently land paying acting jobs.  We also get to meet bog-standard precocious kid played by some middling child actor whose name is beneath Dane Barbados Jr.'s notice.   As they bafflingly decide to go into the city during a driving blizzard we get to meet the unsung hero and real star of "Olympus Has Fallen"...the ridiculous CGI effects.

When Dane Barbados Jr. first sojourned from his distant native lands and graced your United States of America with his presence two computer animated television shows were on the air; "Transformers: Beast Wars" and "Reboot."  In 1996.  That's about sums up the level of quality you're looking at here.  If you've played the original Resident Evil then you've got an idea what to expect.  The high school student with some spare time level digital effects elicited more laughs from your humble narrator than any other aspect of the movie.  Cartoonishly CGI'd shots of helicopters, vehicles, explosions and weapon turrets would look not out of place in one of the better Asylum films, perhaps a notch or two below what was featured in "Sharknado."  It truly is a sight to behold.

The overwrought sense of patriotism is beyond even Michael Baysian proportions.  Lingering shots of the American flag, in various states, are without counting.  A beaten Secretary of Defense reciting your pledge of allegiance whilst being dragged by her hair to her doom was a particular example that created groans and laughs in equal supply.

Things happened in the plot with supposed surprise mysteries and betrayals being immediately telegraphed by actor choices.  Rick Yune is there, as is Dylan McDermott?  The chances of them eventually being revealed as villains is at approximate odds as the chance that Dane Barbados Jr. will shortly sip champagne from the small of the back of a glistening, nubile, ebony goddess, approaching 100%.  Cole Hauser is there?  One should not place bets upon him living to see the closing credits.

And the grand scheme, oh faithful readers, the grand scheme of the villains is so ludicrous its impossibility showcased by even the most cursory of college dropout Wikipedia research that it could only exist within the bounds of the fanciful, reality defying, worlds of cartoons or videogames.  The fact that the grand scheme is so patently, ridiculously, impossible after the meticulous nature of the White House takeover (the titular Olympus falling), makes one have serious doubts as to the overall intelligence of the *ahem* masterminds behind it.

The writing also betrays either the film's true origins or the abject ineptitude of the screenwriters gracing us with such memorable one-liners as "Let's have a game of 'fuck off.'  You go first." and "My advice - save the last bullet for yourself. Because if you don't, I'm gonna stick my knife through your brain." delivered in a seething, monotone, growl by Butler.

And for those who live in your District of Columbia, tapped into the power of the country's governmental infrastructure such as Dane Barbados Jr. you will truly get a laugh out of the woefully inaccurate layout of the area surrounding the giant, stone, phallus of the Washington monument, the White House and reflecting pool.  The completely CGI'd layout mind you.  The completely CGI'd layout that could be easily researched on Google Maps.  Such is the laziness of which we speak dear reader.

Dane Barbados Jr. would truly like to recommend this film as it has a host of actors whom have proven worthy over the years; Robert Forester, Ashley Judd, Aaron Eckhart, Rick Yune, Dylan McDermott, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett, Rahda Mitchell and Melissa Leo but alas he truly cannot as "Olympus Has Fallen" is a terrible piece of shit.

If you want to watch a movie that evokes cartoon or videogame levels of violence and ridiculousness watch "Crank."If you want to watch an action packed film with proper one liners and actors who can lend personality to the stoic hero archetype watch "Die Hard" or even better watch "The Last Boyscout" truly nearly any action movie from the mid-90's would yield more entertainment.

...Except for perhaps "Hudson Hawk."  But Dane Barbados Jr. would even rather watch that.

One Man Reviews World War Z (Extended Cut)

So as anyone who follows the film industry knows, World War Z was supposed to be a trainwreck.  Its budget spiraled out of control to $190 million, nearly totalling my pocket change, the script was heavily rewritten during filming, the star and the director weren't on speaking terms, a planned sequel was cancelled.  It looked to be a cinematic failure of Pluto Nashian proportions.

And then the film came out, made $530 million, earned nearly two-thirds favorable reviews, has a sequel back in the works and was one of the few non-flops of a flop filled summer movie season.  The world is truly an interesting place.

Dane Barbados Jr. has seen World War Z and while flawed (of course, as it was not written, directed, produced and acted by your humble narrator Dane Barbados Jr.) it was a thoroughly entertaining film.

As your American movie making industry is creatively bankrupt. much like most films being turned out, World War Z (WWZ) is based upon a novel of the same name, written by the spawn of legendary comedian Mel Brooks no less.  Dane Barbados Jr. will not go into the details of the book or how the film deviates because he is well aware that the bulk of his readership is American and as such wouldn't open a book and read at gunpoint.  Sufficed to say the two properties share little past the title.

That said one must respect a film that gets to the point within the first ten minutes.  WWZ wastes no time getting into the action as zombies quickly, and literally, flood into Philadelphia whilst Former UN operative Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt), his wife Karin (Mireille Enos) and their two daughters, Rachel and Constance attempt to navigate traffic.  The first half of the film is a non-stop rollercoaster of action and set-pieces as Lane is coerced into helping to find the origins of the zombie plague.  We follow Lane from location to location, meeting and leaving characters as he shuffles from place to place ending up in a walled-off and relatively safe Israel, who are one of the few countries to get their collective shit together.  Characterization during this portion of the film is sacrificed for the cause, but it's well worth it in this author's opinion, and as this author is Dane Barbados Jr., his opinion is the only one that truly matters.

Once in Israel the pace of the film slows noticeably, but that too works as we're introduced to the stand out character of the film, an Israeli soldier (Daniella Kertesz) who goes only by "Segen" which means lieutenant.  She's such a magnetic badass that she doesn't require a proper name.

Segen accompanies Lane to a World Health Organization facility in Cardiff, Whales where the film channels traditional zombie media with closer, more confined, sets, less of the undead and a much slower and more deliberate pace, for the film and the characters within, not unlike one of your survival horror video games.

WWZ is an interesting entry into the oversaturated zombie market.  Its undead are much more animalistic, fast and agile, functioning much like a horde of ants or an invading virus.  The undead of the film clutch and bunch together, forming "human" ladders out of heaps of zombies, uninterested in lingering over a meal as opposed to leaping, biting, and moving on, working to spread the plague above all other considerations.  Dane Barbados Jr. also found it mildly refreshing that WWZ is a zombie property that takes place in a world where zombie properties exist.  The creatures are openly referred to as zombies and the time honored virtues of shooting a zombie in the head is not treated as a grand revelation.  Curiously zombie fluid is established as not being an infecting agent if ingested which leads to some questions as to the mechanics of how the virus spreads but those are questions that are beneath the purview of one such as I.

So, faithful readers, we have World War Z, the flop that defied all expectation by not being a flop at all.  Dane Barbados Jr., your ever humble narrator, does not command that you see it, he will instead just think less of you if you don't.

One Man Reviews iOS 7

So, faithful readers and fellow compatriots Apple has unloaded their new mobile operating system today upon the slobbering masses.  

You may, and should, ask yourself: "What does the incomparable Dane Barbados Jr. think of it?"

In short, your liege lord and better thinks that it sucks.  It's slow, cumbersome and an affront to one's eyes.  Your humble narrator had to cleanse his vision by watching his comely handmaidens perform nude jumping jacks for an hour.  The new way Safari handles tabs is a fine example with a three dimensional view of tabs, from above, which may be flashier, but is less efficient than what came before.

Outside of the flaws in the new iOS, a more pressing issue is that despite the added features and questionable circle-laden UI changes Dane Barbados Jr. still had more features with a jailbroken iPhone.

Am I expected to applaud these small, incremental, additions with a conditioned Pavlovian response?  No. That is for lesser men.  

Android users have enjoyed for years features that Apple users got today.  The nearly rancid leftovers of another man's meal may be fine eating for Apple's squealing sycophants but it does not suffice for one such as I.

Let the sheep continue to wait with excitement for scraps, Dane Barbados Jr. is, and will remain, a Shepard.  The best of Apple died with Steve Jobs.

One Man Reviews Under The Dome Season 1

We meet again faithful readers.  After a long hiatus your liege-lord, international bon vivant, and general better class of person, Dane Barbados Jr. has returned to bring light to your no doubt sad and mirthless lives.  Look upon my words ye mighty, and despair.

Let us talk of "Under the Dome."  CBS' "Under the Dome" is based upon one of Stephen King's few hits amongst a deep, dark, sea of misses of late.  The novel was a fast-paced, breathless, look at the inhabitants of a quaint town of Chester's Mill after being trapped under the titular impenetrable dome.  Predictably, as is par for the course for Stephen King stories, it completely fell apart at the end with the explanation of the dome being eye-gougingly stupid.

Dane Barbados Jr. would recommend that you read it but you're Americans and we all know that Americans don't read.

When Dane Barbados Jr., your humble narrator, first heard of the possibility of an  "Under the Dome" production through seedy, international, back channels, he was filled with a knowing disappointment, of one whom has seen many a visual Stephen King adaptation, one that abated upon finding out that the producers would deviate from the baffling ending of the novel.

With a gaggle of nubile, young, topless concubines serving peeled grapes and golden hued flagons of Belvedere vodka Dane Barbados Jr. sat down to watch the first episode and all was well.  

Dean Norris, of "Breaking Bad" fame, put in a magnetic and nuanced performance as used car salesman and would-be tyrant "Big Jim" Rennie, one that was immensely improved from the book's more one-note character.  Mike Vogel brought a simmering quality to his character Dale "Barbie" Barbara.  And there was even Jeff-fucking-Fahey.  

Your humble narrator was enthralled enough to nearly ignore the heaving breasts being thrust into his face during the course of the broadcast.  Nearly.

And then with each subsequent episode the cracks of the first, quickly becoming gaping maws that swallowed all interest and left only boredom and bubbling rage.

Let us start with the adolescent cast, all infuriating in their own way and instilling a very special kind of puppy-kicking hatred in your most excellent narrator.

Britt Robinson's Angie McAlister and Alexander Koch's James "Junior" Rennie have, quite possibly, the most ridiculous and inconceivable relationships on television.  Angie is clearly a vacuous strumpet and Junior is clearly a barely contained psychopath filling the frame with wide-eyed stares devoid of any intelligence or higher level thought and his on-and-off again girlfriend who takes being kidnapped for days extremely well.

The other main teenaged power-couple are Colin Ford's Joe McAlister (Angie's brother) and Mackinzie Lintz's L.A. native with two moms and hyphenated last name now trapped beneath the dome Elenor "Norrie" Calvert-Hill.  Joe is fairly innocuous outside of the baffling fact that he seemed to have forgotten that his sister existed for a week, not being much concerned that she was utterly missing during the course of world-changing circumstances.

But Norrie, I prayed at the foot of the throne of the eternal patriarch Dane Barbados Sr. every episode that she would die a gristly death.  Her with her faux-"hip" dialogue and pseudo-city slicker mannerisms, her constant harping  and her massive, Frankenstien's monster, forehead looking like she'd be comfortable amongst the Moai on Easter Island.

The other most frustrating "main" character is Natalie Martinez's Sherrif Linda, the most inept law enforcement officer award winner of the season, apparently an understudy of your Barney Phife.  Linda is pure worthlessness personified, being led around and following the orders of known criminals with naught but a vacant stare.

The one day = one episode format created a constant hurdle, impeding narrative progression and leading to suspension of belief shattering behavior.  Chester's Mill's primary import must be strong barbiturates considering a day after a massive death toll and being confined beneath an air-permeable, transparent, dome that residents could be seen going for leisurely strolls around the town square.

In less than two weeks we saw the rise and fall of an underground fight club, was introduced to a bog standard female kingpin archetype and saw her killed, an entire town simultaneously getting religion and erecting a renaissance era hanging post.  The same populace that was walking around without a care in the world.

Really, Dane Barbados Jr., could grace you with endless numbers of his precious words on the failings of "Under the Dome" but finds you unworthy so let us speed to the finale.

Sufficed to say that it sucked.  Hugely.  And was endemic of the problems with the show.  The kids being annoying, Junior being a psyco with no actual character past being a walking plot device, available for anyone's usage.  Big Jim continued his decent into cartoon villainy, Sherriff Linda continued struggling to get some neurons firing, Barbie continued to embody the silent tough-guy image to the point of abject stupidity and the good people of Chester's Mill continued to be a compelling argument for forced sterilization.

But really, the "Under the Dome" finale, and by extension the rest of the show, was guilty of one grave sin above all others: wasting my time.  At the end of the finale most of the main characters were in precisely the same position as they were in the preceding episode.  Time to kill in a show with a compressed time frame.  "Wasted potential" springs to mind.

Dane Barnados Jr., heir to House Barbados and father to nations would like to offer a heartfelt suggestion to the writers and producers of "Under the Dome": gentlemen, at your earliest convenience, please feel free to fuck right off.  Sideways preferably.

*Update. A week later."

Dane Barbados Jr., the Sun and the Moon and the font from which all good things flow, just saw an advertisement for "Under the Dome" which made him remember Norrie.  Fucking Norrie.

This caused your ever faithful narrator to descend from the highest heights available in this short city, found the first available male in cargo shorts, black-rimmed glasses and a fedora and mercilessly delivered upon him the Divine Art of the Kidney Punch leaving him wet and bleeding on the pavement, baptizing him in the water from a nearby rolling hotdog dispensaries before leaving.

Norrie, oh Norrie.  How I hate that character.